College Football Quarterly Summation

The 2009 season has reached the quarter mark for most teams. As I have mentioned before, September is typically a time for few gridiron surprises. It is an overall opportunity for fans to recondition their livers and add a hearty layer of flesh to their outer bodies to sustain another winter of borderline alcoholism and a remarkably sedentary lifestyle. Without fail, as the leaves fall, the livers harden and the sweatpants expand. It is like a fall solstice or something like that. Anyway, while most Septembers are composed of non-conference matchups that result in laughable blowouts that teach us very little, this September has proved very educational. What have we learned?

- Every team is remarkably beatable. The current coaches’ Top 5 reads as such:

1. Florida: appeared very pedestrian against a rebuilding Tennessee team. Coach Kiffy’s mouth gave the Gatas every reason to put up a Spurrier-esque 70 point beat down on the lowly Vols. Such was not the case. UT gave Florida all they could handle. Say what you will about Coach Kiffin (and every chode has), but his callout of Urban’s postgame, retroactive excuse about players having the flu was gold. Why is Florida beatable? Lacking an every down running back. Further, they know they are good. i.e., it is difficult keeping kids who have won two MNC in three years focused on the tedium of football when trim (not Tebow!), agents, and million dollar contracts loom.

2. Texas: on paper, the offense looks to be just fine, but a more critical eye (not Dr. Campies!) can see recurring issues after the first three games. Greg Davis is showing once again that a respectable running game is not allowed under his watch unless an elite talent selfishly dissents from the rudimentary game plan on his own to help the team and put up gaudy numbers (Ricky, Cedric, and Charles). Colt has looked more 2007 than 2008 and got out-quarterbacked in his own yard by one Taylor Potts making his first road start ever in front of 100,000 silent Bevos. Can this squad win every game including the MNC? You’re damn right. Can they drop a couple games and have Colt culminate his career by beating some after-ran Pac 10 team in the Holiday Bowl? Si.

3. Alabama: the Tide has looked quite formidable to date to the lazy and dense (read: Alabama residents and AP voters). Sure, a victory over a well-coached Virginia Tech team is always a good notch in the belt, but blowout victories over Florida International and North Texas are hardly indicative exams on how the Tide will perform in the (seemingly) salty SEC. Why might this team be better than its 2008 shell? The oft-overrated Sarah Jessica John Parker Wilson and his dreamy hair have been replaced by the consistent, workmanlike, functioning –alcoholic Irish attitude of Greg McElroy (never mind the fact he went to Southlake Carroll). Why is this team beatable? They play in the SEC and are on a collision course with that team sitting at number 1.

JPW was recently found on the set of "Sex and the City III - Bi-Curious in Birmingham"

4. Penn State: the Nittany Lions have slept walked through their non-conference schedule comprised of basketball schools and Special Olympian teams (Akron, Syracuse, Temple). The absurd notion is that their schedule might get even easier when they enter conference play. The Big 10 is in brutal shape right now. Sans a tricky road trip to Ann Arbor in late October, Penn State should be able to mow through this conference like the Lohan sisters through a pile of yeyo. Spare me the Ohio State matchup. Ohio State is a fraud. We were force-fed the hype heading into the OSU-USC contest only to learn what few already knew. 2009 OSU and USC represent traditional name brands comprised of mediocre offenses and defenses clinging to reputations built by players who have since moved to the NFL. Anyway, I hope college football is ready for an undefeated Penn State team to shimmy into Pasadena on a geriatric Paterno bedpan only to get mudholed by a one-loss team from the Big 12 or Pac 10 or worse yet – the Smurfs of Boise State. Moving along…

5. Ole Miss: I love this school. The Grove trip of 2007 stands as the best day of my life to date just ahead of when I first tasted beer (age 2) and when I sprouted my first chest hair (last Tuesday). I would love to watch the Rebels win the SEC and play for a MNC. Will it happen? No. This team is still coached by Houston Nutt. While I think Nutt is a stout football coach and was wrongly treated at Arkansas (Piggies never should have canned him), he is not a man equipped to direct a team through the SEC unscathed.

- The Heisman race is just as wide open as the MNC race. The year began with three household names who loved Jesus battling for the Heisman (Bradford and Tebow each with one trophy already to their credit). A mere three weeks into the season this is what we know. Googly-eyed Bradford suffered a shoulder injury at Jerryworld heard by the farthest-reaching trailer in Okieland. Poor Sammy really should not have been duped into staying another year in gorgeous Norman. As mentioned above, Colt has yet to put up Heisman numbers, but the Mack think-tank/political machine is revving up for primary season with Brent Musberger as the mouthpiece (heyo!). Similarly to Colt, Tebow’s numbers have been pedestrian by his standards. I still think the trophy is his to lose mostly because the media adores him for such quantitative analysis as “clutchosity”, “spikedhairhottie”, and “makesmefeelguiltyforcheatingonwifey”. My current Heisman Top 5 far too prematurely:

1. Jahvid Best | RB Cal | If the Golden Bears lose less than two games and Best continues at this torrid pace the trophy should be his. The kid is why YouTube was invented.

2. Tim Tebow | QB Florida | Tebow will win it again if the Gators go unbeaten prior to taking another run at a MNC making him only the second player ever to win the award twice.

3. Jimmy Clausen | QB Notre Dame | Homerism? Probably. Up yours for questioning the Editor and Chief of Dante’s Mullet. I don’t care if you hate Notre Dame. If the Irish defense doesn’t lay an egg in Ann Arbor, Clausen is getting way more attention. His stats are absurd and he is protecting the football far better than he has at any point in his career. As it goes with the Heisman, if the team wins, the candidate’s stock continues to rise. We’ll see what the Irish and Weis’ gunt are all about.

4. Jacory Harris | QB Miami | DA U IS BACK NUKKKKA! I hate Miami. The city, the school, the football program, the state it resides in – everything about it. I will heap credit where credit deserves heaping, however. Jacory has a kickass name and has wrecked opponents in the young season. The ACC is laughable this season, so Miami has a shot to do some serious damage collectively as a team. If Jacory puts on a show October 3^rd when the Sooners visit South Beach we will know if the kid is for real.

5. Colt McCoy | QB Texas | I’ve penned enough about him. I think his numbers will improve, and similar to Tebow, if the Horns run the table, Colt has a great chance to win the hardware. Colt’s biggest opponents might be his offensive coordinator and lack of a dependable running back (Tre Newton is not the answer contrary to whatever Campies tells you during a 3 a.m. blackout).

Can This Man!

Al Groh – Head Coach – University of Virginia

Oh if only dear Thomas Jefferson was here to see what has happened to the football program of the institution he founded centuries ago. Oh if only the dear game of football was invented prior to TJ’s death. But that is neither here nor there. Thomas Jefferson was T. Boone Pickens before being T. Boone Pickens meant losing one billion dollars of your estate and having your grand Okie Lite University plans shelved due to financial issues. If anyone knows foreclosure, it is Oklahomans.

As a well-moneyed booster of his beloved Virginia Cavaliers, Jefferson would never let the Al Groh era drag on this long. A loss to William & Mary to kick off the year? Why, I haven’t seen such a treason clad performance since Aaron Burr. William & Mary? Really? Didn’t TJ’s slave daughter get her associate’s degree there when Jefferson wouldn’t admit her to Virginia?

We declare these truths to be self evident - life, liberty, and never losing to the proletariat at W&M.

Groh must go. Embarrassing losses and sub-.500 records simply won’t cut the tobacco for a proud institution of the bourgeoisie that hails from the Commonwealth of Virginia.

Shower This Man in Dames and Drink!

Steve Sarkisian – Head Coach – University of Washington

A yuppie cheers of Seattle espresso to Coach Sark for his big win over perennial Pac 10 bully, USC. Washington went winless in 2008 thus sparing the program any racial implications for pink-slipping ex-coach Tyrone Willingham. Sarkisian (an ex protégé of Pete Carroll) tactfully exposed USC for what they are – the fancy name brand clinging to yesteryear much like Citi Bank or Jay Leno.

Get the Frat Bros! We’re Kicking His Ass!

Aaron Corp – Quarterback – USC

Grumblings out of Trojan prophylactic headquarters are that after his awful performance against Washington, Aaron Corp was seen getting blasted at a USC frat party later that evening. Far be it for me to scold a man for drinking away failure and sorrow. Sometimes the fermented sugars are your only friend in this cruel world. But, Corpster, man. Be a responsible adult and get lit up by yourself in your own room whilst listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. The last thing you want your fans to think is that you don’t give a damn (even if you don’t). Take it from a fan – we are diehard psychos that vicariously live through your athletic career. If we are on suicide watch from losing a game we had zero control over, then by God, the dick that quarterbacked us into this mess better be in a straitjacket – NOT getting frisky with a microbrew and a coed.

Corp: Also the weekly winner of the "Bitter Beer Face" sponsored by our friends at Keystone Light

Bring Him the Choicest Natty and the Freshest Freshman!

Taylor Potts – Quarterback – Texas Tech

Tough award for me to hand out here. For one, Tech lost this past weekend. Secondly, I hate Texas Tech. When we all graduated high school (or GED’d our way out), we were either supposed to go to college to better ourselves or to go into the working world and earn a living. Some individuals chose neither of those avenues and ended up spending half a decade in Lubbock. That said, I am impressed by Taylor Potts. His musky, lumberjack aura is a breath of fresh air after a few years of uber-douche, Graham Harrell. As I stated earlier, Potts outplayed McCoy in Austin and quickly picked himself off the turf like a raging badass after getting decapitated by Sergio Kindle. Techies – award this man some cold keg beer and a loose woman. We all know your town is rich in both.

Mustache ride?

Snooty beer that was wetted by autumn football palette

Franconia Oktoberfest | McKinney, Texas

I am not a beer snob. I will drink the warmest, stalest beer lying around. I drink people’s half empty beers that they forget on the table. I enjoy – nay crave – cheap domestic beer. However, sometimes when I am homesick for Colorado and the land of Dante I break open a highbrow brew. A lovely beer wench poured me a glass or three of this Oktoberfest brew on Saturday. Always a skeptic of tight ass Germans and the stuff they produce, I wasn’t overly enthused. Well, tight ass Germans, a tip of the Irish leprechaun hat for a very drinkable, tasty autumn beer. Now give me some Natty so I can brush my teeth.

Song that makes me want to drink at 8am on a football Saturday

“If I Could Do It Again” by Corey Smith. Sure, the lyrics are sort of cheesy and desperate for the past. I don’t care. It is a catchy song and reminds me of when drinking used to be fun. Besides, Corey Smith is from Athens, Georgia and that little college town is packed with some tasty southern talent.

Top 3 Games | September 26

1. Arkansas at (3) Alabama. This game could easily dictate the way the season goes for each of these teams. Arkie is coming off a tough shootout loss to Georgia. Is Satan Saban ready for big swingin’ dick Ryan Mallett and the Piggy passing attack? Family fun can be had prior to the game at a tailgate methamphetamine cook-off. Winner gets to be the Dean of either university.

Upset alert: Pigs 31-Tide 30.

2. (6) Cal at Oregon. Oregon coach Chip Kelly received a lot of good favor when a story was leaked about him cutting a personal check to some whiny dickweed Oregon fan who wanted their money back from the Boise State trip. Chip will receive all the good favor he can handle complete with some new, atrocious uniforms courtesy of Nike if he and the Ducks knock off Jahvid Best and the Cal Bears in Autzen. Not happening. Best rolls.

Bears 45-Ducks 27

3. (9) Miami (FL) at (11) Virginia Tech. Big statement game for Randy Shannon and DA U NUKKAS. Also a large potential trap game for the Canes with OU at home next weekend. The Hokies are going to give the Canes plenty of new looks on defense. I am still not buying the ACC as a BCS conference, so I don’t know where this is headed.

Canes 27-Hokies 17

Enjoy the season, dear reader. Win or lose, we booze.

Fly the Friendly Skies

Our Dante’s Mullet resident Coach Taylor, has penned a piece on the hype surrounding the University of Texas’ 2009 football season. Coach T’s calculated, skeptical approach is a breath of fresh air from the Obamaish blind hope coming from other Horns (Professor Campies?). HT: the floor is yours…

Two days ago, I received a mass email from an old college friend who had been the organizer of some epic college road trips:

- “The Lincoln Liability” in 2002: Stanks got a citation in Kansas, Vasher saved our tail.

- “The Dirty Shreveport Night #1/Fayetteville, Arkie you will never see me in that stadium again - Night #2” in 2004

- “The Vegas RV – Dear God, Camp touched what – VY Rose Bowl dominance Pt. I” in 2004

- “Ole Miss/Bama Beauty” in 2007: Petet turning that frown upside down in the RV.

Papa Stanks’ track record is outstanding. However, in the email after his initial Longhorn statement of faith, (UT will win it, Colt gets the Heisman, Austin is the best city), he offered a challenge/plea to join him in purchasing a plane ticket to Pasadena, CA on January 7, 2010 for the MNC game. He even, like a good leader would, purchased his plane ticket as an act of confidence to show that he thinks the 2009 Horns are actually capable of pulling this thing off.

Having known Stanks for eight years, yet being the one in our group of friends who is more “cautious” (read: smaller testicles), I immediately hit a Reply (not Reply All – think Markinson questions Jessep in front of Kendrick in A Few Good Men and gets the Nicholson alpha-male response – “Don’t ever question my orders in front of another officer”) to express my hesitancy in his decision.

Reply-Alls were popping up left and right all expressing their interest in following suit. “You guys can stay with me when you’re out here.” (Girl whose name I didn’t recognize because of recent marriage. I’ve got to stop referring to girls by their last name) .

“We should make a week out of it and hit Vegas for three days early.” (Overly enthusiastic participant in the four trips mentioned who forgets that some of us have jobs now) –Ed. note: Dr. C?

Then the gchats started going crazy. “Have you bought yours yet? Why not? It’s Southwest, you can just credit your flight.”

“Am I the only responsible person?” I wondered.

It then occurred to me what I had been faking for the past three months whenever I get in to debates about college football - I’m not sold that Texas can win it all. It’s very easy to alpha-fan people in debates about whose school has more promise when the majority of your post-graduate friends are from ACC schools and members of the SEC West. Those schools, maybe with the exception of Alabama – “because you never bet against Saban” (say that quote to yourself with the same tone as Squints’ For-ev-er speech in The Sandlot), don’t have a prayer of actually contending for the National Title. We do. But there has to be an X factor. I don’t care if you’re dating Giselle; if she doesn’t possess an X factor, you’re not 100% sold on the relationship. It’s the same with football. On second thought, let’s hold onto that Giselle reference for now; might be premature. Right, Tom?

Too many people of late have been watching piss-poor highlights of the Titans pre-season football games to actually have an accurate recollection of how freakin’good VY was at Texas. The ’05 team was stacked. Let me say that again - stacked. But I thought the 2001 team was stacked; I even thought the 2002 and 2006 teams were stacked. You must have the X factor. (*note* say previous statement in the same tone I told you to say, “because you never bet against Saban” quote in).

VY had the ability to calm everyone down without speaking one sentence of correct English. (Recent quote on ESPN’s E60 that’ll make you cringe – “My fans is booing me, and I just didn’t want to play no more.” – it’s freakin’ ARE Vince, my fans ARE booing me!) . It didn’t matter. He had the ability to go into a huddle like Dave Chapelle’s “Black Bush” skit, and reassure everyone in the huddle that a team led by him was head and shoulders better than the competition. “Oh, what about the USC defense? What about the Heisman trophy winners? Stop worrying! I got this!” And then he did.

Please don’t misread what I’m saying. I love Colt. Colt McCoy is good people. I love the whole fishing thing, and the guy really has transformed himself into one of the best players that UT has ever seen. (Dr. Campies is wishing I would comment on how chiseled his body is now. You would, dude. You would.) For some reason, I don’t seem to get the X Factor vibe from him.

I watched the OU game just like you, but I was more blown away at Greg Davis’ offensive scheme and play-calling ability (I wish I could post a link with GD throwing two middle fingers up to the haters of ’01-’04). Then, I thought his play against Tech was very mediocre, and I didn’t find him unbelievable against The Ohio State University. I feel like we will need a team effort every single week to accomplish the feat of a national title (Ed. note: it’s true! Watch out for UTEP! Salty bunch!) And that is VERY HARD to do.

It’s a lot nicer if you have someone that can carry your team not necessarily with his statistics but with his presence. I know Colt has history book numbers, and I think there’s a good chance he’ll be the all-time winningest quarterback in college football history. But the team will have an off night, and we’re going to need one person to step up and carry us. “Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg?” (that’ll be my last A Few Good Men quote…promise).

Let’s look at the last five title winners:

- 2008: Florida - Tebow – X factor

- 2007: LSU – Saban’s players - *say the quote I made you recite earlier*

- 2006: Florida - Tebow – X factor (you will argue that he had a minimal role….I can’t refute the claim….but it’s Tebow….the guy is anointed)

- 2005: Texas - Vince – X factor

- 2004: USC - Leinart/Bush – two Heisman winners – XXL factor

I do think UT will beat OU, which will place Colt as the Heisman leader post-Oct. 17^{th (}Ed. note: Tap the brakes, Secretary). I can’t wait for the College Gameday love fest that will surround him, but I think Halloween night in Stillwater will be our Achilles Heel (and no, I’m not just copying Kirk Bohles a.k.a. the poor man’s Skip Bayless). We’ve just skated by them too many times in a row. I guarantee you that will be the game that they have circled. Gundy would kill a puppy to get the “can’t beat UT” stigma off his balance sheet. Gameday will be there - hell, Garth Brooks will probably be a guest. It’ll be a night game. Halloween. There are enough creatures as it is in Oklahoma, so I can’t imagine what kind of Okies will come out of the woodworks to see their beloved ‘Pokes play on that night.

I do still think we’re BCS bound, and I do still think Colt has a legit shot at the Heisman. It’ll just come down to what kind of story the writers want to sell: Tebow the greatest ever, or balance out the love and have the greatest Evangelical trio of Heisman QB’s to compete against each other in a three-year period.

Now, I promise I’m not dogging on the Horns nor do I have some grudge against Colt. I really do want the Horns to win it all (I know. I know. I too hate that guy who picks team A to win it but is really hoping team B pulls it off). But I was in school when we had a hyped up team in ’01, and Mr. Simms graced the cover of nearly every magazine including that of the Texas Monthly with Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman on his right and left. That issue was sick. (Ed note: You sure that wasn’t Simms next to Mr. October on the cover of ‘Pigskins and Foreskins’ you were looking at? I’m sure that was a good one too.) That year - which had so much potential - ended in heartbreak. It left a scar. So I’m still hopeful yet a little more cautious.

Besides, I just think the X Factor lies with the quarterback in waiting. But hell, I’ll probably cave in and purchase my plane ticket at the end of September after I see us put 50 on Tech at home. Plus, it’ll probably be another epic trip that I wouldn’t want to miss for the world. Who knows, maybe I’ll even be the name that gets mentioned in quotes when we title it - I just hope it’s not in an RV (Ed. note: How about a Southwest Airlines lavatory?)