College Football Quarterly Summation

The 2009 season has reached the quarter mark for most teams. As I have mentioned before, September is typically a time for few gridiron surprises. It is an overall opportunity for fans to recondition their livers and add a hearty layer of flesh to their outer bodies to sustain another winter of borderline alcoholism and a remarkably sedentary lifestyle. Without fail, as the leaves fall, the livers harden and the sweatpants expand. It is like a fall solstice or something like that. Anyway, while most Septembers are composed of non-conference matchups that result in laughable blowouts that teach us very little, this September has proved very educational. What have we learned?

- Every team is remarkably beatable. The current coaches’ Top 5 reads as such:

1. Florida: appeared very pedestrian against a rebuilding Tennessee team. Coach Kiffy’s mouth gave the Gatas every reason to put up a Spurrier-esque 70 point beat down on the lowly Vols. Such was not the case. UT gave Florida all they could handle. Say what you will about Coach Kiffin (and every chode has), but his callout of Urban’s postgame, retroactive excuse about players having the flu was gold. Why is Florida beatable? Lacking an every down running back. Further, they know they are good. i.e., it is difficult keeping kids who have won two MNC in three years focused on the tedium of football when trim (not Tebow!), agents, and million dollar contracts loom.

2. Texas: on paper, the offense looks to be just fine, but a more critical eye (not Dr. Campies!) can see recurring issues after the first three games. Greg Davis is showing once again that a respectable running game is not allowed under his watch unless an elite talent selfishly dissents from the rudimentary game plan on his own to help the team and put up gaudy numbers (Ricky, Cedric, and Charles). Colt has looked more 2007 than 2008 and got out-quarterbacked in his own yard by one Taylor Potts making his first road start ever in front of 100,000 silent Bevos. Can this squad win every game including the MNC? You’re damn right. Can they drop a couple games and have Colt culminate his career by beating some after-ran Pac 10 team in the Holiday Bowl? Si.

3. Alabama: the Tide has looked quite formidable to date to the lazy and dense (read: Alabama residents and AP voters). Sure, a victory over a well-coached Virginia Tech team is always a good notch in the belt, but blowout victories over Florida International and North Texas are hardly indicative exams on how the Tide will perform in the (seemingly) salty SEC. Why might this team be better than its 2008 shell? The oft-overrated Sarah Jessica John Parker Wilson and his dreamy hair have been replaced by the consistent, workmanlike, functioning –alcoholic Irish attitude of Greg McElroy (never mind the fact he went to Southlake Carroll). Why is this team beatable? They play in the SEC and are on a collision course with that team sitting at number 1.

JPW was recently found on the set of "Sex and the City III - Bi-Curious in Birmingham"

4. Penn State: the Nittany Lions have slept walked through their non-conference schedule comprised of basketball schools and Special Olympian teams (Akron, Syracuse, Temple). The absurd notion is that their schedule might get even easier when they enter conference play. The Big 10 is in brutal shape right now. Sans a tricky road trip to Ann Arbor in late October, Penn State should be able to mow through this conference like the Lohan sisters through a pile of yeyo. Spare me the Ohio State matchup. Ohio State is a fraud. We were force-fed the hype heading into the OSU-USC contest only to learn what few already knew. 2009 OSU and USC represent traditional name brands comprised of mediocre offenses and defenses clinging to reputations built by players who have since moved to the NFL. Anyway, I hope college football is ready for an undefeated Penn State team to shimmy into Pasadena on a geriatric Paterno bedpan only to get mudholed by a one-loss team from the Big 12 or Pac 10 or worse yet – the Smurfs of Boise State. Moving along…

5. Ole Miss: I love this school. The Grove trip of 2007 stands as the best day of my life to date just ahead of when I first tasted beer (age 2) and when I sprouted my first chest hair (last Tuesday). I would love to watch the Rebels win the SEC and play for a MNC. Will it happen? No. This team is still coached by Houston Nutt. While I think Nutt is a stout football coach and was wrongly treated at Arkansas (Piggies never should have canned him), he is not a man equipped to direct a team through the SEC unscathed.

- The Heisman race is just as wide open as the MNC race. The year began with three household names who loved Jesus battling for the Heisman (Bradford and Tebow each with one trophy already to their credit). A mere three weeks into the season this is what we know. Googly-eyed Bradford suffered a shoulder injury at Jerryworld heard by the farthest-reaching trailer in Okieland. Poor Sammy really should not have been duped into staying another year in gorgeous Norman. As mentioned above, Colt has yet to put up Heisman numbers, but the Mack think-tank/political machine is revving up for primary season with Brent Musberger as the mouthpiece (heyo!). Similarly to Colt, Tebow’s numbers have been pedestrian by his standards. I still think the trophy is his to lose mostly because the media adores him for such quantitative analysis as “clutchosity”, “spikedhairhottie”, and “makesmefeelguiltyforcheatingonwifey”. My current Heisman Top 5 far too prematurely:

1. Jahvid Best | RB Cal | If the Golden Bears lose less than two games and Best continues at this torrid pace the trophy should be his. The kid is why YouTube was invented.

2. Tim Tebow | QB Florida | Tebow will win it again if the Gators go unbeaten prior to taking another run at a MNC making him only the second player ever to win the award twice.

3. Jimmy Clausen | QB Notre Dame | Homerism? Probably. Up yours for questioning the Editor and Chief of Dante’s Mullet. I don’t care if you hate Notre Dame. If the Irish defense doesn’t lay an egg in Ann Arbor, Clausen is getting way more attention. His stats are absurd and he is protecting the football far better than he has at any point in his career. As it goes with the Heisman, if the team wins, the candidate’s stock continues to rise. We’ll see what the Irish and Weis’ gunt are all about.

4. Jacory Harris | QB Miami | DA U IS BACK NUKKKKA! I hate Miami. The city, the school, the football program, the state it resides in – everything about it. I will heap credit where credit deserves heaping, however. Jacory has a kickass name and has wrecked opponents in the young season. The ACC is laughable this season, so Miami has a shot to do some serious damage collectively as a team. If Jacory puts on a show October 3^rd when the Sooners visit South Beach we will know if the kid is for real.

5. Colt McCoy | QB Texas | I’ve penned enough about him. I think his numbers will improve, and similar to Tebow, if the Horns run the table, Colt has a great chance to win the hardware. Colt’s biggest opponents might be his offensive coordinator and lack of a dependable running back (Tre Newton is not the answer contrary to whatever Campies tells you during a 3 a.m. blackout).

Can This Man!

Al Groh – Head Coach – University of Virginia

Oh if only dear Thomas Jefferson was here to see what has happened to the football program of the institution he founded centuries ago. Oh if only the dear game of football was invented prior to TJ’s death. But that is neither here nor there. Thomas Jefferson was T. Boone Pickens before being T. Boone Pickens meant losing one billion dollars of your estate and having your grand Okie Lite University plans shelved due to financial issues. If anyone knows foreclosure, it is Oklahomans.

As a well-moneyed booster of his beloved Virginia Cavaliers, Jefferson would never let the Al Groh era drag on this long. A loss to William & Mary to kick off the year? Why, I haven’t seen such a treason clad performance since Aaron Burr. William & Mary? Really? Didn’t TJ’s slave daughter get her associate’s degree there when Jefferson wouldn’t admit her to Virginia?

We declare these truths to be self evident - life, liberty, and never losing to the proletariat at W&M.

Groh must go. Embarrassing losses and sub-.500 records simply won’t cut the tobacco for a proud institution of the bourgeoisie that hails from the Commonwealth of Virginia.

Shower This Man in Dames and Drink!

Steve Sarkisian – Head Coach – University of Washington

A yuppie cheers of Seattle espresso to Coach Sark for his big win over perennial Pac 10 bully, USC. Washington went winless in 2008 thus sparing the program any racial implications for pink-slipping ex-coach Tyrone Willingham. Sarkisian (an ex protégé of Pete Carroll) tactfully exposed USC for what they are – the fancy name brand clinging to yesteryear much like Citi Bank or Jay Leno.

Get the Frat Bros! We’re Kicking His Ass!

Aaron Corp – Quarterback – USC

Grumblings out of Trojan prophylactic headquarters are that after his awful performance against Washington, Aaron Corp was seen getting blasted at a USC frat party later that evening. Far be it for me to scold a man for drinking away failure and sorrow. Sometimes the fermented sugars are your only friend in this cruel world. But, Corpster, man. Be a responsible adult and get lit up by yourself in your own room whilst listening to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon. The last thing you want your fans to think is that you don’t give a damn (even if you don’t). Take it from a fan – we are diehard psychos that vicariously live through your athletic career. If we are on suicide watch from losing a game we had zero control over, then by God, the dick that quarterbacked us into this mess better be in a straitjacket – NOT getting frisky with a microbrew and a coed.

Corp: Also the weekly winner of the "Bitter Beer Face" sponsored by our friends at Keystone Light

Bring Him the Choicest Natty and the Freshest Freshman!

Taylor Potts – Quarterback – Texas Tech

Tough award for me to hand out here. For one, Tech lost this past weekend. Secondly, I hate Texas Tech. When we all graduated high school (or GED’d our way out), we were either supposed to go to college to better ourselves or to go into the working world and earn a living. Some individuals chose neither of those avenues and ended up spending half a decade in Lubbock. That said, I am impressed by Taylor Potts. His musky, lumberjack aura is a breath of fresh air after a few years of uber-douche, Graham Harrell. As I stated earlier, Potts outplayed McCoy in Austin and quickly picked himself off the turf like a raging badass after getting decapitated by Sergio Kindle. Techies – award this man some cold keg beer and a loose woman. We all know your town is rich in both.

Mustache ride?

Snooty beer that was wetted by autumn football palette

Franconia Oktoberfest | McKinney, Texas

I am not a beer snob. I will drink the warmest, stalest beer lying around. I drink people’s half empty beers that they forget on the table. I enjoy – nay crave – cheap domestic beer. However, sometimes when I am homesick for Colorado and the land of Dante I break open a highbrow brew. A lovely beer wench poured me a glass or three of this Oktoberfest brew on Saturday. Always a skeptic of tight ass Germans and the stuff they produce, I wasn’t overly enthused. Well, tight ass Germans, a tip of the Irish leprechaun hat for a very drinkable, tasty autumn beer. Now give me some Natty so I can brush my teeth.

Song that makes me want to drink at 8am on a football Saturday

“If I Could Do It Again” by Corey Smith. Sure, the lyrics are sort of cheesy and desperate for the past. I don’t care. It is a catchy song and reminds me of when drinking used to be fun. Besides, Corey Smith is from Athens, Georgia and that little college town is packed with some tasty southern talent.

Top 3 Games | September 26

1. Arkansas at (3) Alabama. This game could easily dictate the way the season goes for each of these teams. Arkie is coming off a tough shootout loss to Georgia. Is Satan Saban ready for big swingin’ dick Ryan Mallett and the Piggy passing attack? Family fun can be had prior to the game at a tailgate methamphetamine cook-off. Winner gets to be the Dean of either university.

Upset alert: Pigs 31-Tide 30.

2. (6) Cal at Oregon. Oregon coach Chip Kelly received a lot of good favor when a story was leaked about him cutting a personal check to some whiny dickweed Oregon fan who wanted their money back from the Boise State trip. Chip will receive all the good favor he can handle complete with some new, atrocious uniforms courtesy of Nike if he and the Ducks knock off Jahvid Best and the Cal Bears in Autzen. Not happening. Best rolls.

Bears 45-Ducks 27

3. (9) Miami (FL) at (11) Virginia Tech. Big statement game for Randy Shannon and DA U NUKKAS. Also a large potential trap game for the Canes with OU at home next weekend. The Hokies are going to give the Canes plenty of new looks on defense. I am still not buying the ACC as a BCS conference, so I don’t know where this is headed.

Canes 27-Hokies 17

Enjoy the season, dear reader. Win or lose, we booze.

Fly the Friendly Skies

Our Dante’s Mullet resident Coach Taylor, has penned a piece on the hype surrounding the University of Texas’ 2009 football season. Coach T’s calculated, skeptical approach is a breath of fresh air from the Obamaish blind hope coming from other Horns (Professor Campies?). HT: the floor is yours…

Two days ago, I received a mass email from an old college friend who had been the organizer of some epic college road trips:

- “The Lincoln Liability” in 2002: Stanks got a citation in Kansas, Vasher saved our tail.

- “The Dirty Shreveport Night #1/Fayetteville, Arkie you will never see me in that stadium again - Night #2” in 2004

- “The Vegas RV – Dear God, Camp touched what – VY Rose Bowl dominance Pt. I” in 2004

- “Ole Miss/Bama Beauty” in 2007: Petet turning that frown upside down in the RV.

Papa Stanks’ track record is outstanding. However, in the email after his initial Longhorn statement of faith, (UT will win it, Colt gets the Heisman, Austin is the best city), he offered a challenge/plea to join him in purchasing a plane ticket to Pasadena, CA on January 7, 2010 for the MNC game. He even, like a good leader would, purchased his plane ticket as an act of confidence to show that he thinks the 2009 Horns are actually capable of pulling this thing off.

Having known Stanks for eight years, yet being the one in our group of friends who is more “cautious” (read: smaller testicles), I immediately hit a Reply (not Reply All – think Markinson questions Jessep in front of Kendrick in A Few Good Men and gets the Nicholson alpha-male response – “Don’t ever question my orders in front of another officer”) to express my hesitancy in his decision.

Reply-Alls were popping up left and right all expressing their interest in following suit. “You guys can stay with me when you’re out here.” (Girl whose name I didn’t recognize because of recent marriage. I’ve got to stop referring to girls by their last name) .

“We should make a week out of it and hit Vegas for three days early.” (Overly enthusiastic participant in the four trips mentioned who forgets that some of us have jobs now) –Ed. note: Dr. C?

Then the gchats started going crazy. “Have you bought yours yet? Why not? It’s Southwest, you can just credit your flight.”

“Am I the only responsible person?” I wondered.

It then occurred to me what I had been faking for the past three months whenever I get in to debates about college football - I’m not sold that Texas can win it all. It’s very easy to alpha-fan people in debates about whose school has more promise when the majority of your post-graduate friends are from ACC schools and members of the SEC West. Those schools, maybe with the exception of Alabama – “because you never bet against Saban” (say that quote to yourself with the same tone as Squints’ For-ev-er speech in The Sandlot), don’t have a prayer of actually contending for the National Title. We do. But there has to be an X factor. I don’t care if you’re dating Giselle; if she doesn’t possess an X factor, you’re not 100% sold on the relationship. It’s the same with football. On second thought, let’s hold onto that Giselle reference for now; might be premature. Right, Tom?

Too many people of late have been watching piss-poor highlights of the Titans pre-season football games to actually have an accurate recollection of how freakin’good VY was at Texas. The ’05 team was stacked. Let me say that again - stacked. But I thought the 2001 team was stacked; I even thought the 2002 and 2006 teams were stacked. You must have the X factor. (*note* say previous statement in the same tone I told you to say, “because you never bet against Saban” quote in).

VY had the ability to calm everyone down without speaking one sentence of correct English. (Recent quote on ESPN’s E60 that’ll make you cringe – “My fans is booing me, and I just didn’t want to play no more.” – it’s freakin’ ARE Vince, my fans ARE booing me!) . It didn’t matter. He had the ability to go into a huddle like Dave Chapelle’s “Black Bush” skit, and reassure everyone in the huddle that a team led by him was head and shoulders better than the competition. “Oh, what about the USC defense? What about the Heisman trophy winners? Stop worrying! I got this!” And then he did.

Please don’t misread what I’m saying. I love Colt. Colt McCoy is good people. I love the whole fishing thing, and the guy really has transformed himself into one of the best players that UT has ever seen. (Dr. Campies is wishing I would comment on how chiseled his body is now. You would, dude. You would.) For some reason, I don’t seem to get the X Factor vibe from him.

I watched the OU game just like you, but I was more blown away at Greg Davis’ offensive scheme and play-calling ability (I wish I could post a link with GD throwing two middle fingers up to the haters of ’01-’04). Then, I thought his play against Tech was very mediocre, and I didn’t find him unbelievable against The Ohio State University. I feel like we will need a team effort every single week to accomplish the feat of a national title (Ed. note: it’s true! Watch out for UTEP! Salty bunch!) And that is VERY HARD to do.

It’s a lot nicer if you have someone that can carry your team not necessarily with his statistics but with his presence. I know Colt has history book numbers, and I think there’s a good chance he’ll be the all-time winningest quarterback in college football history. But the team will have an off night, and we’re going to need one person to step up and carry us. “Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg?” (that’ll be my last A Few Good Men quote…promise).

Let’s look at the last five title winners:

- 2008: Florida - Tebow – X factor

- 2007: LSU – Saban’s players - *say the quote I made you recite earlier*

- 2006: Florida - Tebow – X factor (you will argue that he had a minimal role….I can’t refute the claim….but it’s Tebow….the guy is anointed)

- 2005: Texas - Vince – X factor

- 2004: USC - Leinart/Bush – two Heisman winners – XXL factor

I do think UT will beat OU, which will place Colt as the Heisman leader post-Oct. 17^{th (}Ed. note: Tap the brakes, Secretary). I can’t wait for the College Gameday love fest that will surround him, but I think Halloween night in Stillwater will be our Achilles Heel (and no, I’m not just copying Kirk Bohles a.k.a. the poor man’s Skip Bayless). We’ve just skated by them too many times in a row. I guarantee you that will be the game that they have circled. Gundy would kill a puppy to get the “can’t beat UT” stigma off his balance sheet. Gameday will be there - hell, Garth Brooks will probably be a guest. It’ll be a night game. Halloween. There are enough creatures as it is in Oklahoma, so I can’t imagine what kind of Okies will come out of the woodworks to see their beloved ‘Pokes play on that night.

I do still think we’re BCS bound, and I do still think Colt has a legit shot at the Heisman. It’ll just come down to what kind of story the writers want to sell: Tebow the greatest ever, or balance out the love and have the greatest Evangelical trio of Heisman QB’s to compete against each other in a three-year period.

Now, I promise I’m not dogging on the Horns nor do I have some grudge against Colt. I really do want the Horns to win it all (I know. I know. I too hate that guy who picks team A to win it but is really hoping team B pulls it off). But I was in school when we had a hyped up team in ’01, and Mr. Simms graced the cover of nearly every magazine including that of the Texas Monthly with Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman on his right and left. That issue was sick. (Ed note: You sure that wasn’t Simms next to Mr. October on the cover of ‘Pigskins and Foreskins’ you were looking at? I’m sure that was a good one too.) That year - which had so much potential - ended in heartbreak. It left a scar. So I’m still hopeful yet a little more cautious.

Besides, I just think the X Factor lies with the quarterback in waiting. But hell, I’ll probably cave in and purchase my plane ticket at the end of September after I see us put 50 on Tech at home. Plus, it’ll probably be another epic trip that I wouldn’t want to miss for the world. Who knows, maybe I’ll even be the name that gets mentioned in quotes when we title it - I just hope it’s not in an RV (Ed. note: How about a Southwest Airlines lavatory?)

2009 NFL Quarterbacks

It is a closely guarded secret at all levels of the glorious game of football that the quarterback is the most widely hated person in any organization (besides the head coach, owner, and 98% of all wide receivers). But you ask, “Professor, I thought everyone loved the quarterback. They’re heroes.” Wrong. FANS love quarterbacks. Sure, as a spectator, it is easy to grow fond – even lustful – of that striking, handsome Caucasian (usually) athlete guiding his team to victory by throwing pretty spirals and being the vocal leader (read: huge dick) on the sidelines. Why, I used to send Brady Quinn love sonnets and lewd text messages. Young boys dream of becoming quarterbacks. Fathers become alcoholics when their only sons choose queer jobs like accounting or event coordinating over quarterbacking. From a distance, the position is deified, beloved, and honorable. So who then hates quarterbacks? Teammates. That’s who.

At the risk of sounding cliché, dry, and Madden-ish – football is the ultimate team game. It invokes strong parallels to war and those painful corporate “team building” exercises that ultimately result in you hating your coworkers even more. In theory, no single player is larger than the sum of the team. Each player (backups included) work as a cog in a well-oiled conglomerate designed to win and pay for the team owner’s lap dances. In this aspect, it is much like an Asian sweatshop with the players as the small children with blistering fingers working 22 hour days (albeit with slight wage discrepancies) and the owner as himself – the cutthroat, greedy prick that he is. As I said – the ultimate team game or dictatorial regime.

Most players subserviently fill their roles as faithful servants (or soldiers in the case of Lieutenant Kellen Winslow), and the machine operates beautifully. In the machine, the quarterback gets the privilege of being bequeathed with all the accolades and riches associated as the primary front man of a winning enterprise. Yep, the quarterback is showered with media adoration, absurd fan loyalty, and a salary greater than the GDP of Canada. Quarterbacks have lived this life of luxury since Pop Warner football as young boys. They have never battled in the trenches like linemen, they never sacrificed scarce brain cells like a fullback, and they surely never jumped on the tuba playing dame in the high school band like the poor punter.

As coddled, adored legends, quarterbacks often earn the resentment of their teammates. While the quarterback is busy celebrating the win by sipping champagne off the small of Gisele’s back, you – the faithful left tackle – are tending to ailments and wounds while your wife (B-team girl you knocked up in high school) is feeding you Hamburger Helper. Who wouldn’t be overcome with envy? Everyone gets sick and tired of that stunning, dreamy, bronzed, chiseled Adonis getting all the perks (sorry, got caught up in another Quinn dream).

With perks, often comes an overwhelming sense of entitlement and utter lack of awareness to the needs of others. In short, you’re a selfish douchebag. The NFL is riddled with plenty of douchebag quarterbacks. For the 2009 season, I am going to list my Top 7 douchebag quarterbacks (7 in honor of John Elway. NOT a douche.) There is only one rule for the list: to make the list, the quarterback must currently be the starter on his team’s depth chart. This excludes obvious douchebags (Vince Young, Chris Simms), but it is hard to be super douchey when you’re holding a clipboard. I encourage you to voice your quarterback douchisms in the comments section. For now, onto the list…

7. Aaron Rodgers

Douche tactics: affinity for bro-ish facial hair, smug grin typically reserved for quarterbacks who have won something, brash predictions of success once Favre was on the way out, hails from California/played in the Pac 10.

What doesn’t suck about him: you have to feel sorry for the poor bastard who has to follow uber-douche Favre.

2009 outlook: Rodgers is a gifted quarterback with some serviceable parts surrounding him in the Packer offense. The Pack plays in a winnable division. Rodgers better play balls-out on November 1 when the archrival Vikings come to town with their new, stubbled douche quarterback in tow.

You’re going out for a drink. Where is the quarterback taking you? Rodgers is meeting you at a NoCal beach bar. You’re splitting a bucket of Coronas (douche juice) and fish tacos. Awkward conversation is only salvaged via Favre bashing.

6. Mark Sanchez*

Douche tactics: played for USC, first USC quarterback to leave early since Todd Marinovich (colossal idiot), posing for GQ before a mere start in the NFL, hails from California/played in the Pac 10, alleged sexual assault while in college.

What doesn’t suck about him: embraces his Latin heritage. Seems like a nice guy (unlike Rodgers).

2009 outlook: Dirty Sanchez is bound to earn the starting job over the feeble cripple he is battling in Kellen Clemens. Sanchy will fail to live up to the unrealistic expectations of the union-working Jets fans. Like Rodgers, Sanchez coincidentally is filling the faux work boots of Brett Favre. This actually lessens his douche quotient.

You’re going out for a drink. Where is the quarterback taking you? Mark is taking you to a salsa bar on the Lower East Side. You’re sipping mojitos. You’re dancing. It’s getting a little racy. You leave for the restroom, but out of the corner of your eye you see Mark drop something in your drink. You wake up in a New Jersey dumpster and remember nothing. Annnnnnd SCENE!

*I know Mark isn’t technically the starter yet, but I’m hedging my Week 1 bet that he will be.

5. Tom Brady

Douche tactics: hails from California (noticing a trend?), knocked up a gal and dated another (or something like that), plays for the most annoying city of fans in all of sports – Boston (not really his fault), models, played for Michigan.

What doesn’t suck about him: he is kind of good at football. Not nearly the dick of his head coach.

2009 outlook: Tom Brady is coming off a devastating 2008 in which he got to spend the season recovering from knee surgery, pleasuring Gisele, and collecting his massive pay check. The recession hit us all.

You’re going out for a drink. Where is the quarterback taking you? You, Tom, and Gisele are going to a posh patio bar in Hollywood. Tom is drinking a Stella Artois – a diversified, cultured bro pick. Gisele is drinking a martini. You’re spilling all over yourself as you ogle Gisele and listen to Tom’s lame jokes.

4. Jay Cutler

Douche tactics: where to begin? Perpetual state of pouting, forced his way out of a quarterback’s dream job, doesn’t return employer’s phone calls, makes fun of his old fan base in a lousy attempt to gain affection from his new fan base, whines.

What doesn’t suck about him: I loved the dude until about six months ago. Superb talent. You view his pouting as a cool “I don’t give a f*ck” attitude when he is winning ball games. You wish you had that attitude.

2009 outlook: Cutler whined his way into a trade to the place where quarterbacks go to die – Chicago. Bland offense, bad weather. I can’t pen this without bias. I hope A.J. Hawk knocks his helmet hair back to Pissville, Indiana and dumps pure cane sugar into his diabetic blood stream.

You’re going out for a drink. Where is the quarterback taking you? A good underage bar in Chicago. Not going to lie here. Big Cut can drank. He’s buying shots and tossing diabetes to the wind. You’re making out with the scraps of his A-list hookup. All is well until he ditches you at the bar and you’re left picking up the tab. The scrap you were mugging out with is now stuck to you (Kyle Orton). Try to stay positive.

3. Tony Romo

Douche tactics: baseball hat is in a everlasting reversed fashion, when not wearing a baseball hat he wears cabbie hats, more interested in celeb status than winning football games, tries to sound smart and articulate during interviews yet fails miserably, wears dog tags, sought sympathy in the T.O. situation despite T.O. furthering Romo’s career immeasurably.

What doesn’t suck about him: doesn’t seem like a huge dick. Plays golf.

2009 outlook: Cowboys miss playoffs, Romo addresses media in retarded platitudes, Jerry Jones signs Michael Irvin at receiver. I love this city.

You’re going out for a drink. Where is the quarterback taking you? Ghost Bar in Dallas. You’re stuck in a wardrobe pinch (you’re dressed normally), so Romo lets you borrow a v-neck shirt and a spare set of dog tags. Women flock to Tony, but he can’t close the deal. You, appalled with humanity, thrust yourself from the 33^rd floor Ghost Bar balcony to a Dante’s Mullet martyr-esque death.

2. Philip Rivers

Douche tactics: endless. Antagonizes fans on the road, picks verbal fights with opposing quarterbacks, pushes the football instead of throwing it, doucheist smirk in football history, drove the loveable (and better) Drew Brees out of town.

What doesn’t suck about him: Nothing. Huge ass. I pray for training camp ACL tears.

2009 outlook: Chargers win a weak division much to this author’s chagrin. Rivers talks UFC trash to all fans – home and away. Chargers get burned in first week of the playoffs with Rivers throwing 4 INTs and getting throat stomped by a throng of white trash fans (home game in San Diego).

You’re going out for a drink. Where is the quarterback taking you? A meathead bar in San Diego. Phil is firing up card drinking games. Keystone and Jager runneth over. Philip is tossed for brawling after he sees a fan in a Cutler jersey.

1. Brett Favre

Douche tactics: thinks he is above the game of football, couldn’t define “retirement” on an exam, totally screws over incumbent quarterbacks trying to make a living (Rodgers, Pennington, Rosenfels, Jackson) by showing up whenever the hell he wants, vindictive against a franchise that treated him as a demigod for nearly two decades, he is the most faux blue collar man since Toby Keith, throws interceptions the way Pete Rose threw games, craves attention, (could go on for ages). OH YEAH and he faked a retirement because he is a lazy, old bastard who didn’t want to go through training camp while knowing all along he’d become a member of the Vikings.

What doesn’t suck about him: I used to like this guy. I liked his old school attitude. All is gone. Ethics and integrity mean nothing to this guy. I feel horrible for Vikings fans.

2009 outlook: Favre goes for his standard 20 TD, 22 INT season. The fanbase begins to hate him. The locker room begins a three way split between Favre, Sage Rosenfels, and Tarvaris Jackson. Vikes miss the playoffs. Favre re-re-retires. Peter King weeps. The rest of the world rejoices.

You’re going out for a drink. Where is the quarterback taking you? The night starts great. You and Brett go to an old fashioned drankin’ bar. Whiskey shots and Budweiser. This is man time. Brett playfully tosses a football across the bar to an adoring Packers/Jets/Vikings fan. You turn your head for a moment. All of the sudden – Brett is gone. You eventually saunter home only to find him making love to your wife. He has two middle fingers raised and is wearing your middle school jersey. You enter your backyard for a gentleman’s execution courtesy of Roger Goodell.

College football can’t come soon enough.

The Immortal Bro

DM’s resident renaissance man, Dr. Campies, has been summoned to lecture on an alarming pandemic sweeping the country one Ed Hardy sale at a time. Dr. Campies' lecturing audience is typically comprised of Pulitzer Prize winners, renowned physicists, and Asians. As the majority of the content delivered in this forum is directed to the drunk and destitute, the following lecture from Dr. Campies may be above the GED educational level of most of the readership. Read anyway and seek immediate assistance if you or a loved one has fallen victim to the BRO pandemic. – Ed. in Chief T. Webb.

Without further adieu, Dr. Campies...

This is 2009. We should have seen this coming. With the rise of global standards of living and proliferation of the AXE Effect (def: here), the inflated male self-concept was an unavoidable conclusion. However, what was once the stuff of George Orwell meanderings and Buddhist monks' prophesy has now come to fruition: The Broliphic Age.

Perhaps a Clint Eastwood pitolwhipping should be mandatory for "men" born after 1970.

Much like the dinosaurs or Neanderthal before them, the Rise of the Bro was birthed by a niche adaptation to surroundings which allows the species to survive, flourish, and in many cases, frost tips (def: here).

By now, identifying full-blown bros across countries and cultures is one of the most salient responses a human being can have. Even Ugandans should be able to quickly recognize the characteristics of the modern day bro: Typically an 18-24 year old male in the infancy stages of bromosapiens. Graphic t-shirts, flagrantly neon and pastel colored garments, and affluence for octagonally-contained street fighting and liquorish-flavored spirits are the traditional tribal markings of the Bromeithian culture. Some say the origins of the modern day bro coincided with the rise of bands such as Dave Matthews and System of A Down. Other theories suggest global warming and the lunar gravity cycles may be responsible for normal, ambitious young males losing their F-ing minds, and consequently, shedding any traits of detectable manhood. However, in recent years, there has been a stark and alarming change in the life cycle of the modern-day bro: he is incapable of what we typically think of as social evolution and hence death of broseph adolescence. The modern-day bro however will continue his rituals of brotosynthesis well into later life until the supply of slutty, quasi-ethnic chicks or the batteries in his PSP, are finally exhausted.

You see, in pre-contemporary life cycles of the bromosapiens, depending on the individual, at the around the age of 26 when the cordiality of surrounding attendees of frat parties would no longer welcome this unique individual's presence, a metamorphbrosis of sorts would typically ensue that re-assimilates the Brodie from his 4 am weekday ragers back into the life of an everyday citizen. The delusion of acting rich when you're $30k in debt, or thinking that the smell of stale sex (AXE body spray) when paired with the LiveStrong bracelet on your arm is an unstoppable combination for any female to resist finally wears off, and the Zombie-state of the Bro is snapped back awake to the reality (and opportunities) that come from being a perfectly reasonably well-groomed and responsible young adult. However, this derivation from the Status Bro is becoming increasingly prevalent; where instead of the Bro population diminishing after the age of 26, the population pool is actually increasing, and even recruiting older individuals to join the community. What was once a paradoxical anomaly, the modern-day 40+ year old Bro is now unmistakably commonplace.

"Hey, Jess! How about a jacuzzi session?"

So what do we know about the state of bro-dom? Well, for one, it’s spreading like H1N1. No matter how hard you try to avoid, or what venues you go to, you've seen them- and they're growing by the day. The allure of this group is strong - never lose your over-sexualized, adolescent self concept from high school and the only rules to live by are Do Not Waste Beer and never sign-in late for a fantasy football draft. And these New Batch Bros have permeated every layer of our civil society; I don't care if we're talking about a Farmer's Market on a Saturday morning or a re-showing of The Island of Dr.Moreau at the local antique movie house, the loud stitching of $300 jeans and barb-wire tattoos over a fresh, mystic tan is never far from reach. More often now than ever before however, the pungent aroma of AXE Dark Temptation has been acutely tainted by detectable traces of Ben Gay wafting in from the tattered pits of an SSB (Social Security Bro). He maintains this Bro Survival kit to continue his natural selection-defying, Immortal Bro ways as he picks up yet another case of Natty Ice and a take-home prostate exam kit from the local market.

Speechless

So what are the trademark characteristics of this "grandfather Broseph?" To this point, most data points to the exact same grazing patterns and mating rituals of traditional brodies: frequent patio bars appearance with a fresh pack of Parliament cigarettes and a wind-proof, camping lighter, oversized, under tucked Express for Men button downs or Affliction/Ed Hardy T-shirts, requisite 16 year-old haircut with plenty of product, as well as the trademark chinstrap facial hair. Excessively cheap-but-flashy jewelry (I think he went to Jared), and fake-ass, supremely unconvincing California accent (BroSpeak) are often observed as well. To this point, however, no one has actually been able to conduct an intelligent conversation with these individuals to identify why the hell one would do this to themselves. The answer remains one of the great mysteries of the scientific community, much like the Broto-electric Effect. (Ref: here)

We need a Distraction in Badassery immediately.

With all this talk of how to identify one of these individuals and their super-inflated self ego and awkward sexual advances, how might one go about protecting themselves if they should ever encounter a bronivore on the prowl? First and foremost, the common sense example of having a trusted, respectable male buddy to escort you and your friends for a night on the town is the safest precaution. Although catching a feeding bro in broad daylight is less likely, though certainly probable, bro feeding patterns typically concentrate on night life areas where the time is late, the light is dark, and the alcohol is prevalent - all useful in assisting the bro with the "surprise attack" (def: cornering a prospective young lady and/or her friends where the low light levels help conceal the bro's ProActiv-resistant skin and minimize the shine of their spray-on tan, all the while increasing the chance that some liquid courage and a line from Swingers will get the job done). This is where a male buddy can be exceptionally useful in fending off a bro attack before it occurs. You see, the fact remains that bros, by definition, are pussies, generally lacking the self-confidence to approach a new girl at anytime without a pack of brosephs at their side, much less a girl that is clearly intelligent and moralistic enough to have a respectable, well-groomed guy friend at her side.

Beyond that precaution, conditioning one's self to never be drawn into a conversation that begins with "Hey, did you know I own my own ski boat?" or "Excuse me, but can I get you a re-fill on that Appletini so that we can go home and f*ck?" is a powerful defense in deflecting prospective bro surprise attacks.

Five scents for your date rape work week.

When in doubt, however, if these aforementioned steps have failed, and you find yourself face to face with a persistent AlphaBro who's sense of decency is only undercut by his bank account balance, particularly one of the elder variety, consider the following action (note: older, SilverBack Bros can actually behave more aggressively than Bro Cubs because they are more aware of their own Bro "mortality" and seek to act while there's still time (2nd note: the concept of bro death is strictly myth at this point and seems relegated to the bro's own delusions of himself as no bro deaths have yet to be confirmed in modern anthropological studies)). A physical plan of self-defense should be the preferred choice of a cornered broette. Remember, bros are some of the biggest pansies the human race has ever produced and will flee from any potentially physical confrontation, even if that confrontation comes at the hands of a girl. This phenomena of the bro's over inflated "Flight" response to danger that is only outweighed by his quantity of cheap cologne makes the bromosapiens' seemingly unlimited environmental fitness that much more incredible. The only way to describe adaptation is immortal.

(P.S.-as a strategic note, the best way to physically engage an approaching bro is to attack the areas they are most vulnerable to. These areas include but are not limited to: messing up meticulously styled hair, which was the focus of hours of attention so that it appears it took no time at all, intellectual insults for which the bro inevidtably cannot muster any rational comeback, kicking/punching to the groin/ hip area. The hips in particular are a prime source of locomotion for the bro in terms of their strut-walking into clubs at a 45 degree angle, or their excessively white-man dance moves which unknownst to the bro, produce no amorous attractions from the opposite sex. NOTA BENE/BE ADVISED, if you do happen to target the hip of an older, uber-bro: the hip disablement may not be effective, as in most cases, the older bro's hip as already been replaced with a synthetic version. For more information on how you or your friends can prevent bro-tacks, or understand the psychology behind the bromosapien, visit here.)

"I need to be taint punched"