The Immortal Bro

DM’s resident renaissance man, Dr. Campies, has been summoned to lecture on an alarming pandemic sweeping the country one Ed Hardy sale at a time. Dr. Campies' lecturing audience is typically comprised of Pulitzer Prize winners, renowned physicists, and Asians. As the majority of the content delivered in this forum is directed to the drunk and destitute, the following lecture from Dr. Campies may be above the GED educational level of most of the readership. Read anyway and seek immediate assistance if you or a loved one has fallen victim to the BRO pandemic. – Ed. in Chief T. Webb.

Without further adieu, Dr. Campies...

This is 2009. We should have seen this coming. With the rise of global standards of living and proliferation of the AXE Effect (def: here), the inflated male self-concept was an unavoidable conclusion. However, what was once the stuff of George Orwell meanderings and Buddhist monks' prophesy has now come to fruition: The Broliphic Age.

Perhaps a Clint Eastwood pitolwhipping should be mandatory for "men" born after 1970.

Much like the dinosaurs or Neanderthal before them, the Rise of the Bro was birthed by a niche adaptation to surroundings which allows the species to survive, flourish, and in many cases, frost tips (def: here).

By now, identifying full-blown bros across countries and cultures is one of the most salient responses a human being can have. Even Ugandans should be able to quickly recognize the characteristics of the modern day bro: Typically an 18-24 year old male in the infancy stages of bromosapiens. Graphic t-shirts, flagrantly neon and pastel colored garments, and affluence for octagonally-contained street fighting and liquorish-flavored spirits are the traditional tribal markings of the Bromeithian culture. Some say the origins of the modern day bro coincided with the rise of bands such as Dave Matthews and System of A Down. Other theories suggest global warming and the lunar gravity cycles may be responsible for normal, ambitious young males losing their F-ing minds, and consequently, shedding any traits of detectable manhood. However, in recent years, there has been a stark and alarming change in the life cycle of the modern-day bro: he is incapable of what we typically think of as social evolution and hence death of broseph adolescence. The modern-day bro however will continue his rituals of brotosynthesis well into later life until the supply of slutty, quasi-ethnic chicks or the batteries in his PSP, are finally exhausted.

You see, in pre-contemporary life cycles of the bromosapiens, depending on the individual, at the around the age of 26 when the cordiality of surrounding attendees of frat parties would no longer welcome this unique individual's presence, a metamorphbrosis of sorts would typically ensue that re-assimilates the Brodie from his 4 am weekday ragers back into the life of an everyday citizen. The delusion of acting rich when you're $30k in debt, or thinking that the smell of stale sex (AXE body spray) when paired with the LiveStrong bracelet on your arm is an unstoppable combination for any female to resist finally wears off, and the Zombie-state of the Bro is snapped back awake to the reality (and opportunities) that come from being a perfectly reasonably well-groomed and responsible young adult. However, this derivation from the Status Bro is becoming increasingly prevalent; where instead of the Bro population diminishing after the age of 26, the population pool is actually increasing, and even recruiting older individuals to join the community. What was once a paradoxical anomaly, the modern-day 40+ year old Bro is now unmistakably commonplace.

"Hey, Jess! How about a jacuzzi session?"

So what do we know about the state of bro-dom? Well, for one, it’s spreading like H1N1. No matter how hard you try to avoid, or what venues you go to, you've seen them- and they're growing by the day. The allure of this group is strong - never lose your over-sexualized, adolescent self concept from high school and the only rules to live by are Do Not Waste Beer and never sign-in late for a fantasy football draft. And these New Batch Bros have permeated every layer of our civil society; I don't care if we're talking about a Farmer's Market on a Saturday morning or a re-showing of The Island of Dr.Moreau at the local antique movie house, the loud stitching of $300 jeans and barb-wire tattoos over a fresh, mystic tan is never far from reach. More often now than ever before however, the pungent aroma of AXE Dark Temptation has been acutely tainted by detectable traces of Ben Gay wafting in from the tattered pits of an SSB (Social Security Bro). He maintains this Bro Survival kit to continue his natural selection-defying, Immortal Bro ways as he picks up yet another case of Natty Ice and a take-home prostate exam kit from the local market.

Speechless

So what are the trademark characteristics of this "grandfather Broseph?" To this point, most data points to the exact same grazing patterns and mating rituals of traditional brodies: frequent patio bars appearance with a fresh pack of Parliament cigarettes and a wind-proof, camping lighter, oversized, under tucked Express for Men button downs or Affliction/Ed Hardy T-shirts, requisite 16 year-old haircut with plenty of product, as well as the trademark chinstrap facial hair. Excessively cheap-but-flashy jewelry (I think he went to Jared), and fake-ass, supremely unconvincing California accent (BroSpeak) are often observed as well. To this point, however, no one has actually been able to conduct an intelligent conversation with these individuals to identify why the hell one would do this to themselves. The answer remains one of the great mysteries of the scientific community, much like the Broto-electric Effect. (Ref: here)

We need a Distraction in Badassery immediately.

With all this talk of how to identify one of these individuals and their super-inflated self ego and awkward sexual advances, how might one go about protecting themselves if they should ever encounter a bronivore on the prowl? First and foremost, the common sense example of having a trusted, respectable male buddy to escort you and your friends for a night on the town is the safest precaution. Although catching a feeding bro in broad daylight is less likely, though certainly probable, bro feeding patterns typically concentrate on night life areas where the time is late, the light is dark, and the alcohol is prevalent - all useful in assisting the bro with the "surprise attack" (def: cornering a prospective young lady and/or her friends where the low light levels help conceal the bro's ProActiv-resistant skin and minimize the shine of their spray-on tan, all the while increasing the chance that some liquid courage and a line from Swingers will get the job done). This is where a male buddy can be exceptionally useful in fending off a bro attack before it occurs. You see, the fact remains that bros, by definition, are pussies, generally lacking the self-confidence to approach a new girl at anytime without a pack of brosephs at their side, much less a girl that is clearly intelligent and moralistic enough to have a respectable, well-groomed guy friend at her side.

Beyond that precaution, conditioning one's self to never be drawn into a conversation that begins with "Hey, did you know I own my own ski boat?" or "Excuse me, but can I get you a re-fill on that Appletini so that we can go home and f*ck?" is a powerful defense in deflecting prospective bro surprise attacks.

Five scents for your date rape work week.

When in doubt, however, if these aforementioned steps have failed, and you find yourself face to face with a persistent AlphaBro who's sense of decency is only undercut by his bank account balance, particularly one of the elder variety, consider the following action (note: older, SilverBack Bros can actually behave more aggressively than Bro Cubs because they are more aware of their own Bro "mortality" and seek to act while there's still time (2nd note: the concept of bro death is strictly myth at this point and seems relegated to the bro's own delusions of himself as no bro deaths have yet to be confirmed in modern anthropological studies)). A physical plan of self-defense should be the preferred choice of a cornered broette. Remember, bros are some of the biggest pansies the human race has ever produced and will flee from any potentially physical confrontation, even if that confrontation comes at the hands of a girl. This phenomena of the bro's over inflated "Flight" response to danger that is only outweighed by his quantity of cheap cologne makes the bromosapiens' seemingly unlimited environmental fitness that much more incredible. The only way to describe adaptation is immortal.

(P.S.-as a strategic note, the best way to physically engage an approaching bro is to attack the areas they are most vulnerable to. These areas include but are not limited to: messing up meticulously styled hair, which was the focus of hours of attention so that it appears it took no time at all, intellectual insults for which the bro inevidtably cannot muster any rational comeback, kicking/punching to the groin/ hip area. The hips in particular are a prime source of locomotion for the bro in terms of their strut-walking into clubs at a 45 degree angle, or their excessively white-man dance moves which unknownst to the bro, produce no amorous attractions from the opposite sex. NOTA BENE/BE ADVISED, if you do happen to target the hip of an older, uber-bro: the hip disablement may not be effective, as in most cases, the older bro's hip as already been replaced with a synthetic version. For more information on how you or your friends can prevent bro-tacks, or understand the psychology behind the bromosapien, visit here.)

"I need to be taint punched"