Welcome, reader. Big Dante here. Crack open a Schlitz and sprawl out here on this bear skin rug. Let the smooth rhythms of .38 Special engulf your innards. You might remember me best from my days as a Blake Street Bomber in Denver for the Colorado Rockies. The Bombers consisted of myself, Larry Walker, Vinny Castilla, and that fat gordita Andres Galarraga. Together, we all went from mediocre, unknown journeymen to 90’s rock stars thanks in large part to juiced balls, tiny parks, spacious outfields, and injections that Courtney Love would deem too dangerous. There is a reason Vinny freakin’ Castilla used to pepper the Jumbotron with beisbols, and it ain’t that renowned Messican work ethic – I’m just sayins’ all. Collectively we put up record offensive numbers despite making the playoffs only once and being rewarded with a tomahawk rape courtesy of the Atlanta Braves. Talk about reservations.
Since retirement from a pending-HOF career in baseball, I have had some time on my hands. I have tried my hand at owning a Jet Ski store, coaching Little League, gambling on jai alai, and running an off-shore prostitution operation in Nova Scotia. One went bankrupt, one left me banned from all Milwaukee public parks, one has a band of Cubans seeking my head (must be the hair), and the other left we with a rare trace of Chlamydia. You connect the dots. Bichette happens.
I was recently approached while I was fishing off the overpass on I-275 in Tampa. Turns out some ownership wanted to dedicate some interweb space to me. Normally I don’t go slumming for this sort of “amateur hour” unless the old lady kicks me off the hide-a-bed, but Big D is a little short on green backs and could use some royalties. Ownership wants to lay out a brief outline of what this “blog” is and is not. Without further adieu…
I am not going to pussyfoot around on this thing and pretend I love everyone – I don’t. There is plenty of that on ESPN. “Objectivity” is scribed on the neat motivational poster we keep in the office lobby and I try to adhere to it. If a team or athlete does something that is even the slightest bit douchey, they will be ridiculed. Conversely, if Peter Carroll and his band of ass Trojans deserve a tip of the cowboy hat, they shall receive. To make things clear from the get-go, I have broken down my preferences by sport just so there is no confusion. Think of this as my Sports E-Harmony profile:
NFL
Likes: Denver Broncos
Dislikes: New England Patriots, Oakland Raiders, Kansas City Chiefs
MLB
Likes: Colorado Rockies, Oakland Athletics, Late 80’s-Early 90’s Pittsburgh Pirates
Dislikes: Los Angeles Dodgers, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees
NBA
Likes: Die-hard Denver Nuggets fan only when they are winning and wildly apathetic when they suck or it is the offseason
Dislikes: Los Angeles Lakers, Dallas Mavericks
NHL
Likes: Colorado Avalanche, New York Rangers
Dislikes: Detroit Red Wings, Vancouver Canucks
College
Likes: Texas A&M University, Colorado State University, University of Notre Dame
Dislikes: USC, University of Colorado, University of Texas, University of Michigan, Texas Tech University, BYU
There. Maybe we have a match, maybe we don’t. This forum is for good discussion, inappropriate humor, and bonding. Guest columnists will contribute as ownership sees fit. Comments are encouraged.
Until we speak again, cheers.
No comments:
Post a Comment