What’s in a School?
At Dante’s Mullet, we like to take a look at what makes a college or university unique. This information can prove invaluable perspective to aspiring high school students when choosing a college. These features won’t cover the typical information and garbage your guidance counselor spews. God knows that had I been privileged to some of this information I wouldn’t have wasted time applying to schools like Kansas State. Mediocre athletics, women that double as livestock, and only an hour from Topeka? Sign me up!
Dante’s Mullet will summon guest lecturers for assessments on their own alma maters or even a school they just despise. To begin, I will appraise the school that was foolish enough to award me a degree.
School: Texas A&M University
Location: College Station, Texas
Mascot: Aggie. An Aggie historically does agish things like plowing fields, inventing cotton gins, and trading slaves.
Notable alumni: Musical godsends Robert Earl Keen and Lyle Lovett. Governor of Texas, Rick Perry. Actor Rip Torn from legendary films Freddie Got Fingered and Canadian Bacon.
The female General George Patton
What is the douche factor of the Greek system? Not too high. The Greek system is only a small percentage of the campus and is largely comprised of down to earth, bump a dip type of guys. With any collection of Greeks you are going to find a fair share of choads seeking their next game of Bread, but on the whole, A&M is pretty solid. The sororities offer a nice network of good looking, backstabbing dames that any fine gent can court.
Chick summary: Strong to quite strong. A 50,000 person public school in the heart of Texas is bound to have its share of tasty dishes. Because of its agriculture roots, you sometimes happen upon a gal who has lats that can crush walnuts from years of bailing hay on the farm. Do not look these girls in the eye. Also, be wary of girls who have been put under the crushing pressure of marriage by their woeful mothers and other kinfolk. The flow chart in these girls’ minds is as follows: make out with drunk guy wearing a collared shirt – pick out wedding dress – get promise ring from guy – brag to mother and laugh at her loveless marriage – get married. This entire chart is on a two month span in their minds. You have been warned.
Every hero forgets something in their tool belt. What does this school lack? Female cheerleaders would be a nice addition, but Ags shit platinum stools of tradition and do not embrace hope and change, thus, it will never happen. A more scenic campus would also be welcome. The A&M campus was fashioned to sustain missile attacks from Hitler, Cuba, and Austin – pretty, it ain’t.
Best football player of all time: the Ags lone Heisman winner, John David Crow. JDC was a monster all over the field back when facemasks were for pussies and women could barely vote. Oh yeah, blacks weren't playing yet either, so some politically correct barista might tell you this Heisman needs an asterisk. He's wrong.
Best current football player: Those that follow football know that this is like picking the best looking female employee at your local Golden Corral. Ryan Tannehill is the choice solely for his versatility. Tannehill was recruited as a quarterback, but made the move to receiver when the 2008 corps of wide outs made it known to the public that catching balls wasn’t their thing. Tanny set freshman wide receiver records at A&M and can do no wrong in the eyes of the Aggie faithful solely because he is a white player playing a black man’s position. This feeling is similar to how African Americans felt on January 20, 2009. Or so I hear.
Describe the current state of the football program with a Jimmy Buffett song:
"Changing Channels"
Shes changing channels
Stayin on her toes
Shes just changing channels
As she goes
This place is full of beachhead sailors
Fishermen and old retailers
Simple lives are so deep seated
And history always gets repeated
Some folks see a birds eye view
Others havent got a clue
Some will go and some will stay It doesnt matter anyway
The symbolism that even an A&M engineer can see here is that our fan base is being forced to change the TV channel when their beloved Aggies take the field. I get it. Lately, allowing a leathered helmet, slow Big 10 game lull you into a Saturday nap has been much more pleasing than watching the Aggies get mudholed by the non-dancers in Waco.
Dig a little deeper and notice "Simple lives are so deep seated and history always gets repeated". Jimmy Buffett may have well in fact been writing this song about the A&M fan base. Aggies are a simple bunch that prefer a rectal exam to any form of change. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the hiring of Mike Sherman. Shermy has some A&M pedigree (Ags swoon over this character quality) as he coached back in the days when wins, kicking ass, Willie Nelson, and a steady dosage of fiber rounded out a healthy Aggie diet. Let’s ignore the fact the program took some fliers on guys that would go on to professional careers playing in the Longest Yard. Character counts!
The last verse is so blatantly damning of the fan base and sneaking apathy that is lurking that it makes me want to puke. Onward...
Best college bar: Carney’s. Cheap booze, greatly understaffed, loose on IDs, violating every safety and health code, could burn down with any errant cigarette, and a shady owner who might be addicted to blow all add up to one helluva collegiate bar.
Musical tastes of the student body: Cool ass singer-songwriters with heavy leanings in country, folk, and rock. College Station boasts a nice live music scene where many now famous acts used to cut their teeth by getting drunk and playing the same old covers. Willie Nelson is the only democrat that the student body embraces. Other beloved musical acts include Jerry Jeff Walker, Robert Earl Keen, Bob Schneider, and Roger Creager.
Alcohol preference of the student body: This student body takes down cold domestic beer by the vat. Of the big three, Miller seems to be most beloved for whatever reason. Perhaps it is a sentiment for union workers in Milwaukee. Becoming well versed in the complex tastes and smells of cheap well bourbon is a must for any young male collegian. For the dames, a cheap bottle of vodka seems to do the trick. If she is from East Texas, provide a bottle of blue Boone's Farm Wine and you might have won her heart. See flow chart above.
Drugs? Compared to your average massive state school, A&M is pretty tame. Weed is often deemed "hippy ass shit". Apparently some of the bored frat and sorority kids dabble in some yeyo. I never saw this. Times are tough on the job market and school is as competitive as ever. Thus, stealing adderall from the one legit ADD kid has become commonplace.
Compare your basketball program to a current country: China seems to be the fit here. Decrepit for generations, but is emerging into a power while traditional powers regress toward the overall median. If you are a reader of Dante's Mullet it is assumed you are well versed in Chinese history. Billy Gillespie represents Deng Xiaoping as the reformer that put the sleeping giant that was A&M basketball back on the correct course. Deng (which means Billy in Chinese) has since died off and a new brand of Confucianism has been birthed in the annoyingly squirrely Mark Turgeon. Turge has been flipped the keys to the A&M GDP and is responsible for the task of growing a basketball superpower despite leading a fan base that is riddled with only knowing communism.
Best basketball player of all time: I don't know the old dudes who used to play hoops at A&M. I think I saw one selling Shamwows outside the arena the last time I visited town. Anyway, Acie Law IV is the easy choice. Being donned with the name Acie freaking Law the IV comes with a strict assignment of utter badassery. Law did not disappoint. During his freshman year, the team went 0-16 in conference. After former coach Melvin Watkins was guillotined at half court following the final game of the season, Billy G. came in and turned Acie into a man complete with a hearty set of brass balls. In the end, Acie became a consensus All American and propelled Gillespie into the Kentucky job while Gillespie can largely be credited for turning Acie into a first round pick.
Best current basketball player: At times he can be a bit of a limp wristed Pierre, but senior Josh Carter is what makes this team go. Josh could lose an arm wrasslin' match to many women on the A&M campus, but he is a lethal marksman from 3. Like Samuel L. Jackson and shit. I'll be frank. The kid has been called a pussy by me no less than a hundred times, but he has also bailed out this team and Turgeon with some gigantic threes. I'll be sad when he leaves for the "draft" aka he will not be drafted and will enjoy making six figures playing in Croatia until he is 30 before returning to Dallas to sell life insurance.
I might go to this school because… It is fun as hell. The students own the entire town and everyone gets along for the most part. College Station is packed with bars that thankfully aren't packed with townies. Good looking girls, good bars, fun sports even when they suck is the recipe for a good 4-6 years.
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This school might end up kind of sucking because… You come across a few Type A tightasses at an engineering school in the Bible Belt. Pretend these people don't exist. Laugh at the Corps of Cadets, but DO NOT mock former Aggies that served in war. That will earn you a nice saber sword to the tender parts. Aggies love war and they love the people that served in it. Almost as much as the quick as hell running back that can't read.
A barrel of laughs!
Mount Rushmore of the school: Paul "Bear" Bryant, George Bush Sr., Robert Gates, Jesus
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