The Perfect Gift for your Alcoholic College Football Fan

I have a birthday coming up this week. With age typically comes wisdom and maturity, but there is only one thing I want for my birthday – the Stadium Sippin’ Seat. Cheers to our friends at Papa Bert’s for their latest innovation in the realm of thwarting the oppressive prohibition that is tainting collegiate sporting events. You see, the NCAA doesn’t like the notion of selling alcohol at its games. Just ignore the hoards of beer and liquor advertisements that you are subjected to during any college football telecast. Those don’t count.

Everyone – young and old – likes to imbibe on Saturdays in the fall. Why, I recall my pirate days as an adolescent lad at Colorado State games where a little Captain and Coke gave me the courage to mouth off to college dudes twice my size. Alcohol is an important ingredient in the diet of an overly-obsessed football fan. I’d say it is tantamount to tailgate meat smorgasbords and shady booster donating.

Sneaking booze into a college football game is not only a necessity, but it also brings back that youthful, rebellious yearning for a buzz that was present when you were 17, but has slowly been replaced by a physiological dependency on the sauce in your elder years that both fuels and medicates you through a rollercoaster football season controlled by mere 18 and 19 year olds. Healthy lifestyle, indeed. For a measly six Saturdays every year, you receive a free pass for being loaded before 10am. You better make the most of it.

After approximately 8-12 hours of tailgating (depending on kickoff time) complete with pounds of meat and copious allotments of booze, the only sensible thing to do is to take the party inside the stadium. This is where the aforementioned friends from Papa Bert’s have carved out a lucrative niche. There are the standard old school methods of sneaking in a flask like having your date tape a flask to her inner thigh. This is the most recommended practice for your collegiate days with cute girls.

After graduation, it is time to be a little more discreet and “mature”. This is where the Stadium Sippin’ Seat comes in handy. Appearing as just your standard, novelty seat cushion often toted by hemorrhoid-clad senior citizen alums, the Sippin’ Seat offers an inner-bladder system that even NASA would be proud of. The Seat can hold approximately two beers, one bottle of wine, or 20 shots. I wasn’t a Math major, but the alcohol by volume choice here seems to be pretty easy. I drink two beers when I brush my teeth. I don’t know who would bring wine to a football game other than those limp-wristed douchebags in the Pac 10. Thus, the easy answer is 20 shots of your favorite cheap whiskey. This is plenty of booze to help you celebrate a home team victory or comatose yourself in the event of a loss. The amount should last the duration of the game unless you are a LSU fan in which case multiple cushions full of Everclear are recommended.

You can believe that this Editor in Chief will be comfortably sitting on top of 20 shots of Evan Williams when his Ags struggle this fall against (gulp) the non-drinkers of Baylor. See you in the stands.