Rockies Register a Pulse

Denver sports fans,

I know we are all still licking the wounds from our beloved (read: bandwagon) Nuggets’ road to the Western Conference Finals. I, for one, loved watching those tatted-up, borderline convicts (Colorado has diversity!) represent our state against the notorious bad teammate and date-raper, Kobe Bryant.

After such a letdown, you are surely loading up the Subaru, tying down the kayak, and seeking your inner-tranquility in a tourist-free locale outside of Durango. Nuggets Basketball and Elitist Mountaineering – that’s what Colorado does.

"We summer with our dog, Indigo, in Montrose. Durango is too commercial."

Coloradoans love a tattooed recovering drug addict who averages 6 points per game.

I’ve penned enough words for ten off-seasons on the Buffalo Billian collapse of our once proud franchise, the Denver Broncos. In case you just woke up from your bong slumber, we have a cocky Halo geek coaching a team with a neck-bearded alcoholic for a quarterback, a domestic “disturber” who wants out at receiver, and a defense that is more porous than a French Coast Guard.

Speaking of the French, the French Canadians running the once-dominant Avalanche have all been ousted after turning the franchise into bigger collective pussy than the entire province of Quebec (not an easy feat).

While you were jumping on the Nugs bandwagon, liking Carmelo Anthony again, and asking your black neighbor if he was friends with Chauncey, our little favorite beisbol boys in purple at 20^th and Blake Street were busy imploding at the expense of a manager who took the Colorado F’IN Rockies to the World Series less than two years ago.

I’m a big Clint Hurdle guy. I like a guy with a consistent reddish hue in his face from years of road trips, cigars, and an insatiable appetite for Wild Turkey. It’s hard to be a good manager and not love booze. These spoiled brats you manage with guaranteed contracts control your livelihood. There is a reason Joe Madden of Tampa Bay didn’t win the Series last year. He looks like an English professor from Portland. Clint had the look.

A Badass Mickles O'Codyhan would be proud of. Go Royals.

"Yeah, it's a sole patch, and yeah I ordered a triple Turkey on the rocks."

Nevertheless, the team continued its alarming regression after the 2007 Series, and the Rockies pink-slipped Hurdle. Enter Jim Tracy on an interim basis. Tracy was added as a bench coach before the season as a low-risk insurance option if Clint had to be axed (even though that stuff is never announced). Tracy has strong pedigree and did a bang-up job with the Dodgers in the early 00’s. Since taking over the skipper hat a few weeks back, the Rockies have gone 13-4 and are riding an 11 game winning streak.

This ain't American League Managing. Decisions are made.

The pitching staff stopped lobbing batting practice for the first time all season and guys not named Helton and Hawpe began to show up at the plate. How much of the credit is owed to Tracy is hard to say. I’ve always felt that managers are very interchangeable with the exception of the very elites. Either your players suck or they don’t. What I do think happened is that this batch of Rockies truly loved their red-faced Uncle Clint. The Rockies currently own the most homegrown (WEED!) starting lineup in baseball. These guys all made the transition at the age of 18 from oppressive, overbearing biological fathers to the fostering of recovering party-catcher Clint Hurdle. There was a real bond. The Rockies' players felt responsible for the managerial death of Uncle Clint and wanted to offer him a homage (albeit far too late and after execution).

Let’s take a look at the key cogs in this recent streak:

Troy Tulowitzki

Tulo is beloved in Denver. He had a massive rookie year in the legendary run to the Series and exemplifies a big glove and Elway-ian competitive spirit. Unfortunately, that Elway spirit directed Tulo to the Napoleon/Dustin Pedroia School of swing hard and play like the world hates you. Obviously, this works for Pedroia, but Tulo has more raw talent in his taint than Pedroia has in his whole body. Yeah, I said it. Tulo was gripping too hard and the pressure he was putting on himself was alarming. Tulo’s game needs a lot of work, but if you can get Adkins and Troy to hit just a few hairs above .200, the team is going to win some more games.

Aaron Cook

The Ownership Brothers Monfort (or OBM as I refer to them by) should be thanking their lucky Greeley goat that Cook either gets injured or gets cold for minor stretches every year. Why you ask? Because Cook has legitimate value and is underpaid at $9+ million a year. If you put Cook in San Diego for a season his ERA would drop at least 0.5 points and the win total would jump. Cook keeps the ball low, has a great sinking fastball, and quietly manages a game as well as you can at the Coors Carnival. Further tip of the hat goes to Pitching Coach, Bob Apodaca, for his adjustments to Cook’s delivery.

Jason Hammel

Hammel hails from Treasure Valley Community College (look it up) where he majored in Stripper Management (TVCC is renowned for their Exotic Studies Department). Hammel turned down a lucrative career in female exploitation for a shot at becoming a big league pitcher. After floundering for a few seasons in Tampa in front of crowds of family members and ushers, Hammel loaded up the Cadillac El Dorado for Denver. The 6’6” righty has been herpes-hot of late winning four of his last five starts (with one no-decision). If baseball doesn’t work out for Jason, he can always fall back on that priceless TVCC degree.

It’s hard to say if the Rockies have really turned the corner. The offense is dripping with promise, but the pitching is largely comprised beer league softballers. Ownership and GM O’Dowd have the next month to observe and see if this team can actually make a run at the 2009 Wild Card (Let’s hope the Brothers Monfort go on a binge and aren’t included on decision making). If the team begins to stumble, these are the surest names to get moved: Street, Corpas, Spilborghs, Adkins.

Coloradoans, now is a good time to load up the Prius and take your unathletic, sure-to-be-gay son, Hollis, to his first baseball game. Soak in the Colorado sun and maybe catch a Rockies win. Cutler is gone and Brandon Marshall is asking for a trade. Without the Rockies, sports are essentially dead in your city until the Nuggets make a false-hoped run at the 2010 title next April (you won’t watch the regular season).