Final Four Trip - Day 3

I took some cheap shots at Detroit on Day 1, and I stand by those claims.  I’m kind of a dirty fighter.  I’m the guy in a brawl that hides while the big dudes trade haymakers and knock each other out until it is safe for me to score some kicks to the ribs of a fallen fighter.  I’m also the guy who will then brag to his buddies afterwards that he kicked a dude’s ass.  Again, I hold no regret for comparing Detroit to Beijing and communist Russia.

However, a big cheers is in order for the D for putting their best clubfoot forward on the big day of the Final Four (Saturday).  Final Fours are an amazing spectacle.  There are thousands upon thousands of well-moneyed fans of four separate schools that completely take over a town.  The boozed up energy leading up to the games is contagious.  I can’t imagine how hyped up on adrenaline I’d be if the Aggies ever went to a Final Four.  Alcohol poisoning and a seizure would occur and only add to the lore of it all.

Yesterday was a crisp, sunny day and I was out with the masses early.  The epicenter of downtown Detroit is actually pretty cool.  Good bars, a beautiful ballpark, and Ford Field really add to the area.  Not surprisingly, the Michigan State fans had taken over the town and were living large.

I could devote a full essay to this topic, but I’ll try to make this point concisely:  people from non-picturesque and non-fun places party harder than those who hail from desirable locations.  Michigan State fans are a prime example of this.  People from California and shit don’t have to be creative to have a good time.  There are always endless entertainment options.  On the other hand, people from a town riddled with subzero temperatures, horrible crime, and no outdoor activities have to get clever (read: drunk) to have a good time.  Midwest drinking and tailgating is a well-oiled machine – livers and obesity be damned.  An uncle once taught me this about love – drink ‘til she’s pretty.  Well the mighty Midwesterners drink till both their surroundings and their pasty dames are more than pretty.  I must give a hearty salute to such efforts.

The games were solid.  70,000 people at a basketball game is really weird, totally unreasonable, but kind of cool.  Here are some unimportant, subjective rankings of the fan bases:

Hardest Drinkers

1.       Michigan State.  As mentioned earlier, these people funneled booze in the way you’d expect from a state school in the Midwest.  Vats of domestic beer and a surprisingly strong appetite for Jager.

2.       Villanova.  These Catholics were just happy to be at the Final Four after a 24 year hiatus.  I even saw the president of the university (a priest) kicking back brewskies with his minions.  Baptists could learn a thing or two.

3.       North Carolina.  Basketball royalty and the bluebloods of the weekend.  The women knock back Pinot Grigio and the gents are a gin-by-day, scotch-by-night type of crowd.

4.       UConn.  To be fair, I hardly saw any UConn fans all day.  The ones I did see seemed apathetic and carried themselves like they had just been dragged along on a school field trip.  Crack a brew and enjoy the day, Huskies.

Best Looking Ladies

1.       Carolina and it isn’t even close.  There is top notch talent in the Carolinas, both North and South.

2.       Michigan State.  This was somewhat of a surprise, but I commend the Sparty’s for bringing their best gals.  However, not hard to take second in this category when you’re battling Nova and UConn.

3.       Villanova.  Private school girls in Philadelphia don’t exactly conjure parallels to tongue-ringed Arizona State girls on spring break in Cancun.  For the most part, Nova girls seemed cute in that “prepare a pot of chili and attend a PTA meeting” type of way.  In fairness, there were plenty of decent girls that you could take home to mom.

4.       UConn.  I didn’t see many Husky women and the ones I did see were, well, husky.  The gals in the Northeast are on the heels of sweater season, so I’ll cut them slack for the next couple days or so.

If I were a recruit, which of the four coaches would I play for…

1.       Tom freaking Izzo.  This guy might be my favorite coach in America.  Total beast.  He preaches discipline and defense without being a Grade A asshole.  He pushes the floor and celebrates in his players’ successes.  The love between him and his team is genuine.

2.       Jay Wright.  Class act that doesn’t coddle his players.  JW can coach.

3.       Roy Williams.  Roy sometimes is a total pussy.  His act of wearing Kansas garb at last year’s championship after getting curb stomped by the Hawks was super gay.  If I were a Carolina fan I would have been livid.  Nevertheless, he is a good dude who recruits good kids that graduate.  Wow, now I sound like the puss.

4.       Jim Calhoun.  Whiny, cheaty, cragly.  No thanks.

Today is the off day and I need to figure out something to do in this town.  Suggestions welcome. 

2009 Final Four Trip - Day 1

2009 Final Four – Day 1

I work a day job that is very pedestrian and average 90% of the time.  I do what most people do when they go to work.  That is, I sit at a desk, feign busyness, get subjected to middle manager power trips, fight through hangovers, knock out enough tasks to show I’m smarter than a retarded chimp, read sports blogs, and go to boring lunches with boring coworkers.  The other 10% of the time I go to sporting events of the college variety.

Thursday was our travel day for the Final Four and I was privileged to a balmy 7am flight to gorgeous Detroit.  The day got off to a dandy of a start when I slept through said flight.  What can I say – a 7am flight to Detroit doesn’t wake your body up like Christmas morning.  The day continued it’s jacked up course when I got on a later flight and was coincidentally sitting next to a business client of mine.  I fashion myself as an amiable, cooperative man, but this client and I go as well together as booze and Mormons.  We just don’t like each other.  Anyway, he had his little tart of a girlfriend with him and the two of them got drunk on cranberry vodkas and played grab ass while I tried to hold down my $9 bagel.  We pretended not to loathe one another for the two hour flight and we made it safely to the Motor City.

I read somewhere that when the Olympics were in Beijing last year the government erected huge facades to block tourists’ vision from abandoned buildings, the poor and destitute, and human fecal matter.  Kind of like putting veneers on a Brit’s teeth.  Having been to Detroit before, I expected them to do the same.  I even heard a townie mention that they were busing the homeless to a location where it would take them exactly four days to walk back to Detroit – now THAT is community organizing, Barack!  I have ventured around the town for roughly 24 hours, and I’ve concluded that the atmosphere is akin to Moscow hosting a Final Four under the Stalin regime.  Dreary, low morale, government-ran, failing mega corporations, and drab attire everywhere.

I shouldn’t mock Detroit too much, however.  The town is overly eager to host a Final Four and construct a new reputation with the thousands that will visit this weekend.  Detroit is kind of like your weird, alcoholic uncle that makes it a point to loudly order club soda at a restaurant to fake his family into thinking he has his life straightened out even though anyone with a nose can detect a fifth of Canadian Mist on his breath as he tells you about his winnings at the track for the third time that day.

To complete the odd first day in Detroit, a movie screening was taking place in our hotel.  I have never witnessed one of these before, but if movie execs are making decisions based on the likes of the mouth-breathing yokels and ex-cons that showed up last night, then we should not be surprised by the cinematic diarrhea that today’s movies have become.  I am now convinced Will Smith has built a career off of attendees of these screenings that are enticed by free Fresca and a Red Lobster gift card.

More people will descend upon Detroit on Friday and I will continue to provide updates.

Predictions:

UNC over Nova

UConn over State

UNC – National Champions