A Distraction in Badassery

This whole gong show involving the overdramatized situation with Cutler and company has left me frustrated and depressed with pro sports. To lift our spirits I want to pay homage to one of the all-time beasts of professional sports – Mark Messier.

Mess had a monstrous career as a centerman for the Oilers, Rangers, and Canucks. He has six Cups to his name. Yes, six. Mess also has nearly 600 goals and over 1800 points. He was also able to win a Cup and league MVP a mere two years after Gretzky was traded away from the Oilers where they were teammates during the dynasty.

Lest you not be convinced of his badass sainthood, take a gander at this gem of a photo:

Let us assess the badges of honor in this picture (there are many):

- 1980’s hockey locker room. Check.

- Mini chest merkin of hair. Check

- Some obscure Canadian beer in a grenade bottle. Check.

- Oversized jock to hoist his brass balls in the background. Check.

- Wash cloth/loin cloth. Check.

- Child-man, Gary Coleman, seeking an autograph while Mess is cackling manically. Check.

This might be the best picture of all time and it is the exact opposite of this wrist-slit-inducing image:

This woman needs Tony Robbins and Prozac.

Just how brassy were Mess’ stones? In the 1994 Stanley Cup semifinals against the hated Devils going into Game 6 trailing 3-2 in the series, Mess declared this statement to the brutal New York press before the game:

Messier went on to score the game-tying goal in the 3^rd, then the go-ahead goal, and chipped in an insurance goal – all in the 3^rd period. That’s right, accountants – a freaking hat trick to lead his team to victory after predicting as much. Just typing this makes me want to lace up the skates.

Cheers to you, Mess. Your legend helps me cope with the faggotry of some modern-day athletes.